Unveiling the Gifts

I spend the majority of my time either at work or in my bedroom. One would think that if I am going to spend hours in a particular place, that it would be relaxing, peaceful, organized, and beautiful. It’s like being married. Marriage is a commitment and no one enjoys a mate that is difficult to be around, aren’t attracted to, or creates chaos. At least not me. Yet, in spite of this, my office and home surroundings reflect just this. When I walk into my office, feelings of overwhelm, chaos, restriction, ugliness are right there welcoming me in. I want to quickly turn around and run back home. But wait, the same exact thing is waiting for me there. Is there no place sacred, serene, and vibrant enough for me to relax in, to let my creative energies flow?

Within the caterpillar lies a beautiful butterfly. Likewise, amidst the abundance of papers, dust, and clothes that is contained between the two spaces, lies two very sacred and joyful spaces. So now the process begins. It is time for me to enter the cocoon and allow the transformation to take place. I must spin myself in the threads of discipline, commitment, love, vulnerability and acceptance and enter the darkness that I have manifested physically as clutter. And although it will be dark on the inside and resistance and fear may rise up within me, I know that God’s light is shining down on me, facilitating the transformation process in Her own way. And I know that once I push my way through and release the confusion that, until today, has served as my safety net, not only will two beautiful spaces emerge so will a beautiful and joyous woman.

As I release the clutter in my life, I am also dismantling the beliefs, the thoughts, the fear, the resistance, the habits….that created the clutter. And as a result, I open myself and receive the new blessings that are just knocking at the door, gently saying, “Beloved, please let us in”. So yes, I welcome with open arms this opportunity for divine healing. The opportunity to spread my wings, fly and re-introduce myself to the Universe.

Your Body's Calling for Me

Remember the 90's and R. Kelly's song Your Body's Calling for Me? Well, over the past few weeks, I have desired more and quite frankly, I deserve more. So what does R. Kelly have to do with this? That was my thought when the song popped into my head as I started writing this blog. You see, one of the experiences that I am creating as part of embracing my womanhood is to release....dare I say the number....65 pounds. (Whew, it's out.) This has been a challenge for me because food has been my temptation. Calling me, calling my body what seems like every minute of the day.

So how did I get to this place in my life where I was covering, hiding from who I am. I could attribute my weight gain to several things, the most common and easiest being baby fat. However, given that my children are 10 and 6, I wouldn’t be honest in making that statement. Dare I say stress from working full time, raising two children, going to school and getting my master’s degree. I could. But let’s get real. Because it’s not until I get honest that I can move forward. My weight gain is the result of not appreciating who I am. Not honoring my body as the temple of God that it is. Not loving myself. (hmmmm….a reflection of my relationships; however, that is another blog for another time.)

My desire for food was greater than my desire for self. I used food to “manage” stress, to hide and avoid feeling the feelings that came up for me and to escape the day to day responsibilities of being a mother and a working woman. Even after reaching the 200 pound mark and experiencing chest pains, I was still suppressing my true desires. This was because there was something deeper going on. I realized that I was carrying around a lot of guilt and shame. Guilt for the failed relationships I created. Guilt for bringing two children into this world without thinking of the responsibilities of being a single mother. Being ashamed of who God created me to be.

Well no more. As I release the guilt/shame, I realized that I have a pretty active imagination. So much so that it created all this “stuff” that I carry around in the form of weight. So yes, my body may call out for a Big Mac and fry; however, my spirit if calling for something higher.