The Stillness of Water

Last Sunday I began the self nurturing part of my journey of being a woman. The purpose…to allow myself to be taken care of by taking care of myself and to freely give love by first loving myself. I gave myself permission to take a bath. Not just any bath. A tranquility bath. The divine opportunity to allow myself to be still, listen to my body, listen to my soul. The divine opportunity to just be.

I had not done this previously because it was inconceivable to me to take a bath. Why would I run clean, fresh water; get in and lather myself with scented body wash only to rinse myself off with lavender or coconut scented dirt? Made no sense to me. And no, I was not going to shower either before or after so that I would feel clean.

What’s funny is that towards the end of my bath, my daughter had to use the bathroom and she was directed by my mom not to disturb me. So I hear her ask, what’s wrong with mommy, she’s been in there a long time. In that moment, I thought….hmmm…what is wrong with mommy. Well, mommy is always on the go between my children, family, work, school, and everything else in between that I don’t give myself the time to rest or be still until my body shuts down from sickness or being tired. So to shift me from this behavior, I have set the intention to take a bath once a week. My time with self. My time with God.

Feeling the stillness of the water, I realized that in order to receive what God has for me, I have to release some things. Open my hands and stretch my arms wide and simply let go. And to know specifically what I need to release, I had to sit in my own dirt. I had to let the awareness come forth, feel it and not run from it. I now know I don’t like not taking time for myself, I don’t like feeling icky from all the toxins I have let build up on and in me, and I no longer desire to hold to the beliefs that have not served me. All of this and more I release and open myself to receive love, which in the end is all there is.

Off The Wall

"It’s time to come alive and party on right through the night…

Life ain’t so bad at all, if you live it off the wall."

– Michael Jackson

Today begins my journey. My journey into what? Glad you asked. Today begins my journey into womanhood. WHAT!!! Yes, that was my first reaction also when this was told to me. Of course I am a woman, what else could I be? Yet, at the age of 36, two children, and a successful career, I have accepted the realization that I am not a woman. Until today, I was not confident. Until today, I was not trusting of myself. Until today, I was not my own priority. Until today. I could continue the list of was nots; however, this would make me depressed and especially when I know that this is not my truth. My truth…I AM a confident, loving, caring, disciplined, sexy, trusting, open, vulnerable, elegant woman. (And this is just the appetizer part of the menu.)

All of who I am was simply hidden by my fear. Fear of living MY life. It’s like when I use to go to the night clubs while in college. As soon as I walked in, I located my spot on the wall and stayed there for majority of the night. Occasionally some mysterious force would push me off the wall into the middle of the dance floor where I actually found myself enjoying myself. But then insecurity and doubt set in and before I knew it, I was safe and secure back on the wall. It was much easier and more comfortable for me to live my life on the wall, to stay in my shell and hide myself from the world. To hide myself from myself. Now talk about insanity. I was the dog running around in a circle chasing my tail thinking I could catch it. NOT.

I sometimes put my need to make others happy before making myself happy, my expectations of how I thought I was to live my life, and my concerns of what others might think of my actions or how they may perceive me aside and let the other side of me, my authentic self, out to dance. But as habit would have it, I let insecurity, guilt, doubt, and shame take over; bringing me back to the wall.

Well, my soul has finally had enough. I have finally had enough. I am choosing to live my life “Off the Wall”. What does living “Off the Wall” mean for me? Living off the wall is standing for the first time in my adult life as a woman. Confidently using my voice and standing in my power as a woman. Expressing my inner and outward beauty. Taking care of and loving myself. Honoring and appreciating my body as a temple of God. Being open and honest about who I really am. Creating a spiritual foundation that supports me. Creating and enjoying experiences that will allow me to experience freedom. Let me say that again, F-R-E-E-D-O-M. Freedom to live MY authentic life mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

See you on the dance floor!!!